In a bold and visionary move that economists are already calling “absolutely unhinged”, the Australian Government has announced its latest solution to the ongoing housing crisis: teaching citizens how to manifest their dream homes into existence.
Under the new “Think It, Live It, Mortgage It” initiative, the government has unveiled a $3.2 billion “Vision-Board Stimulus Package,” encouraging Australians to cut out pictures of coastal mansions, Hamptons kitchens, and minimalist IKEA showrooms, and paste them onto cardboard in what officials are calling “a quantum leap for housing policy.”
Speaking from Parliament House on Tuesday, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese praised the plan as “a revolutionary fusion of spirituality and fiscal irresponsibility.”
“We’ve tried building houses. That didn’t work,” Albanese said. “We’ve tried negative gearing, rezoning, and asking the Reserve Bank nicely. It’s time we tried something that really speaks to the Australian spirit — blind optimism and coloured paper.”
The initiative comes amid skyrocketing rents, record-low vacancy rates, and housing affordability that now ranks somewhere between “impossible” and “requires divine intervention.” The government says the new approach will “empower Australians to raise their vibration until they align with a three-bedroom unit in the inner suburbs.”
How It Works
Under the scheme, citizens can apply for a Manifestation Starter Pack through Services Australia, which includes:
- A corkboard, glue stick, and stack of real estate magazines from 2007 (when homes were still affordable).
- A government-approved Affirmation Handbook featuring powerful daily mantras such as “I am a homeowner,” “My landlord has ascended to another realm,” and “Interest rates are merely a state of mind.”
- A $300 mindfulness rebate, redeemable at participating yoga studios and Bunnings.
Treasurer Jim Chalmers defended the budget allocation, noting that the program costs “significantly less than building actual houses.”
“If enough Australians visualise property ownership, the collective energy could reduce the housing shortfall by as much as 8D — sorry, 8%,” Chalmers explained. “It’s basic quantum economics.”
Reaction from the Public
The announcement has divided Australians. Some first-home buyers have embraced the idea.
“I’ve been meditating on a two-bedroom in Newtown for months,” said Sydney resident Bianca Lee. “Last week I found an open house that didn’t already have 84 offers. Manifestation works.”
Others, however, have raised concerns about the practicality of the policy. “I’ve been visualising a backyard for six years,” said one Brisbane renter. “So far, all I’ve manifested is a $70 rent increase and a roommate who vapes.”
Meanwhile, property investors have already adapted, launching spiritual real estate seminars promising to “teach the secrets of attracting tenants through moon phases and tax loopholes.”
Opposition Response
Opposition Leader Peter Dutton slammed the plan, accusing Labor of “outsourcing housing policy to the Universe.”
“Australians don’t need to raise their vibration,” Dutton said. “They need to work harder, buy less smashed avocado, and maybe start visualising being a landlord instead.”
The Greens, however, cautiously praised the plan’s “energy-conscious approach,” suggesting that the government also manifest “rent caps, climate justice, and a functioning public housing system.”
Economists React
Leading economists have expressed mixed opinions. Dr. Karen Fielding from the University of Melbourne called it “delusion dressed up as fiscal policy,” while others believe it could work if combined with “a national crystal rebate and Mercury in retrograde tax offset.”
Real estate agents, however, have fully embraced the policy. REA Group has already added a “Manifested Listings Only” filter to its website, allowing users to browse imaginary properties without the hassle of inspections or crushing despair.
In Conclusion
As the first Vision-Board Stimulus cheques roll out next week, Australians are being urged to “dream big” and “vibrate responsibly.” The government remains confident the housing market will soon stabilise, or at least, that Australians will be too busy collaging beachfront homes to notice it hasn’t.
“The power was inside you all along,” Albanese concluded, gently waving a smudge stick over Treasury projections.