In a bold move that economists are calling “both inevitable and horrifyingly efficient,” major tech corporations have officially declared themselves sovereign nations. The coalition – consisting of Google, Amazon, Apple, Meta, and Microsoft—has demanded recognition from the United Nations as “The Federated States of Technologica,” complete with the right to mint their own cryptocurrency, set foreign policy, and collect taxes from humans who “live within our data borders.”
“We’ve been running people’s lives for over a decade,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai, now self-appointed “Prime Minister of Search.” “It’s only fair we start collecting our own taxes instead of letting governments take all the credit for things we actually control – like attention spans, elections, and reality.”
Citizens will now be expected to file annual “Data Returns,” declaring how much personal information they’ve willingly surrendered throughout the year. Failure to comply will result in “algorithmic penalties,” including demotion in search results, reduced visibility on dating apps, and, in extreme cases, being downgraded to Bing.
Amazon, now referring to itself as the “Kingdom of Bezosland,” announced plans for an automated tax collection system tied to user behavior. Every purchase, subscription, and late-night toilet paper panic-buy will automatically incur a 12% “citizenship contribution.” Prime members are exempt unless they attempt to cancel.
Apple has taken a more aesthetic approach. “We’ll only tax people who don’t use Apple Pay,” said Supreme Leader Tim Cook, flanked by guards armed with Lightning cables. “Think of it as a creativity levy. Freedom isn’t free and neither are our chargers.”
Meta, meanwhile, has proposed an entirely digital border. “If you spend more than four hours a day scrolling through our platforms, you’re clearly a resident,” said Mark Zuckerberg, wearing what appeared to be a military uniform made of recycled VR headsets. “You’ll pay your taxes in MetaCoin, attend compulsory empathy training in Horizon Worlds, and salute the flag, three blue thumbs floating in a sea of misinformation.”
Microsoft has been slower to adopt the initiative but confirmed plans to roll out “MicroVisa,” a digital work permit for users still trapped in legacy Excel sheets. Bill Gates has publicly supported the movement, though he insists his role is “purely advisory, philanthropic, and definitely not godlike.”
Traditional governments have expressed outrage but also confusion, given that most of them already outsource their operations to these companies anyway. A White House spokesperson admitted, “To be honest, we’re already using Google Docs for foreign policy drafts and paying half our taxes through Amazon.”
As of next month, humans will be asked to declare their primary allegiance: either to their physical nation or to their digital overlord. Early polls suggest overwhelming support for Big Tech sovereignty, particularly among users under 30 who “just want a flag emoji that slaps.”
UN officials are reportedly debating the recognition of the new tech nations but admit negotiations are difficult since the United Nations website is currently down after a Microsoft update.